21 Reasons Why People Don't Like Assumption Grotto Church

Fr. Eduard Perrone, "A Pastor's Descant" [Temporary Link] (Assumption Grotto News, June 30, 2019):

21 Reasons Why People Don't Like Assumption Grotto Church
My parting shot before departure in that best month of the year features this light fare as a relief from the ponderous prose usually encountered here.

"I don't like Assumption Grotto Church because ...

• ... the Mass or the singing is in Latin.
• ... they don't shake hands there.
• ... I can't have Communion in my hands.
• ... it's in Detroit, far away from my home.
• ... they don't clap hands in church.
• ... everybody's quiet in church and unfriendly.
• ... their dress code rules out shorts and T shirts.
• ... the priest has his back to us, facing the altar.
• ... they don't have greeters, altar girls, women ministers of Communion, and lectresses.
• ... the priests don't start their sermons with jokes that make us laugh.
• ... there's no "praise music" there.
• ... I miss the guitar and the piano.
• ... their Masses are way too long.
• ... people kneel for Communion.
• ... they use too much incense and ...
• ... there are too many babies too.
• ... saying the rosary after Mass is "over the top."
• ... there's too much kneeling.
• ... they don't have usherettes.
• ... the sermons are too heavy. The priests need to lighten up a little.
• ... the priests don't thank the choir.
• ... the priests don't thank the choir, ushers, teachers, the janitor, etc. after Mass."

You say you've heard others?

Parish improvements. I have made it known that before I retire I want the parish grounds and facilities to be in tiptop shape, ready for takeover by my successor. (this reminds me that soon we ought to start praying for whomever he will be.) For well over a year now we have been making steady, though not always noticeable, progress improving the parish plant. It's usually the case that the more essential and costly things are not obvious to the onlooker, things such as internal repairs and upgrades. Now that many of these have been attended to you'll begin to notice things that meet the eye. Our parish grounds have been steadily improving, and much needed painting will soon commence. Both rectory and church will show their betterment. I know the parking lot and some of the sidewalks are in bad shape. You must allow us time to get around to these. By the time of our August 15 celebration there ought to be marked improvements. Patience! I always have in mind the good order of our parish structures and grounds. I also want our church to be beutiful to honor the Mother of God. She mustn't be disgraced by "Her" parish church being in poor repair or looking drab.

Another reason for wanting to move rapidly with these enhancements is the visit of His Eminence Raymond Cardinal Burke to our parish on October 27 to celebrate a Pontifical Mass. This will be one of the most significant events in the recent history of our parish. I must admonish you, however, not to delay making reservations for the Call to Holiness Conference which is bringing the Cardinal to the parish. Many have already signed up for the Conference, and its attendees will be given preferred to obtain tickets for CTH. (This must sound like those radio commercials that urge their listeners to "act now!")

The happy month of July is upon us when your pastor aestivates, though you will not escape his clutches entirely during that time. Father John will graciously step into the breach to supply what's needed in this controversial, sometimes, disturbing, writing space.

Fr. Perrone