Why I love H. W. Crocker III

Who else comes up with lines like those below! In the latest (Dec. 2004) issue of CRISIS magazine, one finds an article by Crocker entitled "Making Babies: A Very Different Look at Natural Family Planning." Suggesting that NFP isn't selling too well, Crocker suggests as a marketing strategy the use of a new slogan: "Use NFP: It Doesn't Work!" In support of his slogan, Crocker argues:

First, it is true. NFP proponents tout its 99 percent effectiveness rate, but they neglect to mention that this is true only if the husband is in the Navy and asigned to extended, uninterrupted sea duty of three-year tours or longer....

Crocker concedes that his slogan will likely elicit the inevitable protests and testimonials by those who swear by NFP, adding:

And who am I to say that my own experience is not colored by the fact that I am excessively verile? Indeed, there is plenty of evidence that this is the case.

But another reason for NFP's allegedly high scucces rate, he notes, is that couples who use it are prepared to welcome children and so don't blame NFP for unexpected pregnancies.

Four of my own five children came the NFP way--that is, totally unexpectedly--and that's a good thing, because without them bouncing in as surprises, excuses to delay (the sort of excuses one might hear from a recruit in parachute training) might have gone on for a very long time.

But what does Crocker say about the other benefits of NFP, such as how it helps couples "communicate" as they chart their temperatures and discharges and conujugal acts?

Frankly, as far as I'm concerned, the charts can be thrown away (what's so "natural" about them?). And to hell with improving "communication" as a dogmatic defense of NFP. For men, the whole point of marriage is to avoid communicating, all that dating conversation stuff can finally be foregone. Married communication, as successful husbands know, is best limited to grunts and hand signals--one upraised finger meaning, "I need a beer," two upraised fingers meaning, "You need to change the brat's diapers," three upraised fingers meaning, "Honey, why don't you mow the lawn while I watch football?" and so on. No words are more doom-laden than a wife's sitting down and saying, "Let's talk." Communication is, of course, the first step towards divorce.

In lieu of focusing on NFP, Crocker suggests that premarital preparation go something like this:

Father O'Counselor: "Now I want you two to understand that the primary and fundamental purpose of marriage is not companionship, not romantic love, not moonlit strolls on the beach, or any other balderdash but the begetting and raising of children--lots of 'em, and starting soon. The optimum number is enough so that you can lose a few at the grocery store and not notice. That's giving without counting the cost, and at that point, you won't care anyway. As a priest, my sacrifice for the good of the Church is celibacy. As a married couple, yours is to propagate children--who will incidentally annually propagate fierce storms of influenza in your home. If you haven't already studied up on communicable diseases and basic first aid for children jumping off sofas, I'd do it now. But you will find children and their challenges to be the great tutor of not only the medical but the moral virtues."

Potential Husband: "You mean, I'm screwed?"

Father O'Counselor: "In a manner of speaking, yes."

Potential Husband: "Is it too late to enroll in the seminary?"

Thus, Crocker concludes, we can improve Catholic marriages and alleviate the priest shortage at the same time. In fact, we forget how inspiring parents' confessions are to priests:

Penitent: "Forgive me, Father, but I lost patience when my children used my wedding china as Frisbees, took my necklace and used it as a line and fishhook in the toilet, and took my toothpaste to give the cat a bath."

Priest (sotto voce): "Thank God I'm celibate."

Penitent: "What did you say, Father?"

Priest: "I mean to say, why not just laugh about it? These years will pass all too quickly. And when they're over, you'll know why you have gray hair and high blood pressure. Now, a Hail Mary and an Act of Contritution, if you please."

Yessir! "Use NFP," says Crocker: "It Doesn't Work!" Then he adds: "But babies sure as heck do."

Check into books by H. W. Crocker via the links provided below:

1. Triumph: The Power and the Glory of the Catholic Church [Amazon link];

2. The Old Limey, a prize-winning comic novel [Amazon link]; and

3. Robert E. Lee on Leadership : Executive Lessons in Character, Courage, and Vision [Amazon link].