Advice on mixed marriages (continued)

Sara continues:

If the Church forbids mixed-marriages, why did my parents support three of my siblings' mixed-marriages that took place with the approval of the Catholic Church?

The answer, of course, is complicated by the fact that there is a great deal that seems confusing today about the Church's position on such matters, largely because priests and bishops have not always been willing to clearly state that position. Hence, my answer:

First of all, I'm not sure your parents had much choice but to support your siblings' mixed marriages. In many cases, devout parents may initially try to discourage their children from marrying non-Catholics. But this is often difficult. Frequently, by the time parents learn about their children's romantic involvement with non-Catholics, the emotional enmeshment has progressed so far that it's very difficult, if not impossible, for them to be objective about the matter.

Why, then, did the Church allow a priest to be present at your siblings' weddings, in some cases, even to participate, even to have the wedding in a Catholic church? Doesn't this imply "approval"?

Not at all. Rather, Mother Church finds herself in much the same sort of situation that Catholic parents typically do. Once it becomes clear than there is no stopping their son or daughter from marrying a non-Catholics individual, they usually relent in their opposition and "come around" to a position of "support." It's not that they "approve" of marrying outside the Catholic Faith. Rather, it's that they love their children and don't want to "lose" them emotionally. They don't want their children to think that opposition to their marriage meant personal rejection of them. Furthermore, usually the parents console themselves with the thought that "at least they're both Christians," or "at least we can pray that someday the Lord will bring them to share in the Catholic Faith." But they often are aware that this may be wishful thinking, that the other spouse may never convert, that their grandchildren may be raised in a home with divided religious commitments, that their son or daughter may abandon the Catholic Faith for the sake of unity in the marriage, and even he or she perseveres as a Catholic, it may be a long and lonely road of practicing the Faith in a solitary way without any support from spouse or friends.

Secondly, the fact that the Church "tolerates" mixed marriages, just like many Catholic parents have, does not mean that she approves of them in any shape or form.

Here is a quotation summarizing traditional Church teaching on the matter:

By tolerating or permitting mixed marriages the Church does not approve them; on the contrary she strongly disapproves of them and she insists so forcibly on the children being brought up in Catholic faith, because this is the main object of matrimony. It has already been shown that the chief end of marriage is to train up children in the knowledge and fear of God; the aim of the Christian parent should rather be to leave behind him inheritors of the kingdom of heaven than heirs of his earthly possessions. Consequently it is the first duty of a Catholic, who has wedded one who does hold the faith, to insure his child's salvation in as far as he can. How deeply is that parent to be commiserated who destroys the soul of her offspring, by allowing the poison of error to be instilled its mind! "When the first glamour of an ill-regulated affection fades away, and conscience again makes its voice heard, the path of wedded life is beset with thorns. The birth of the first child, which ought to be an occasion of glad rejoicing, is a source of anxiety to the mother for she fears that it will be taught to regard the true faith with hostility. How her conscience reproaches her! And each successive child, which ought to be welcomed as a blessing from the hand of God is a fresh accuser, calling to mind her treachery.

The Catholic party is also bound to bring the non-Catholic to the knowledge of the truth, not by coercion or persuasion, for proselytising only adds to number of nominal Catholics, not of the loyal children of the Church, and is abhorrent to the Catholic Church, who only desires the erring to be brought to her fold of their own free will, and through full conviction. Let them be won by prayer and good example: “Let the unbelieving husbands be won by the conversation of the wives” (1 Pet. iii. 1). If the Catholic wife is seen to be modest, yielding, patient, faithful, etc., the non-Catholic husband will be led to reflect, and consider whether he may not judge of the tree by its fruits. At any rate he will gradually divest himself of all his former prejudices against our holy religion. He must not be pressed with arguments and instructions, but rather every word should be carefully avoided that might wound his susceptibilities. For those who are outside the Church are not to blame because they have not had the privilege of being born and brought up in the true faith.

Furthermore the Catholic party must fearlessly observe his or her religious duties; the other will respect such observance. A man who is not devoid of good feeling will have no wish to oppose the pious practices of his wife; he will know himself to be a gainer, not a loser by them. Some times Protestants assert that they agree with Catholics on the fundamental truths of religion, and only differ in non-essentials; this is utterly false. What the Catholic holds most sacred, the Protestant despises; witness the holy sacrifice of the Mass, which Protestants regard as an act of idolatrous worship. In the face of differences so deep-rooted all idea of unity is a mockery. (Source)

Accordingly:

If a Catholic marries someone who is not even Christian, the difficulties are compounded. If a Catholic marries, say, a Muslim or an agnostic, a priest is not permitted to be present at the wedding. Why? Think about it: if the non-Catholic spouse were to secure a divorce, the Church would not require the Catholic to secure an annulment in order to marry another Catholic. Why? Because the earlier relationship is not recognized as a sacramental marriage by the Church. In the eyes of the Church, they weren't married.

Why then, does the Church "dispense" Catholic parties so that they can contact such marriages and yet remain in good standing and in communion within the Catholic Church? Again, I would say it's similar to the case of parents whose children marry outside the Christian Faith. It wasn't their wish that they did so. In fact, it went against everything they would have advised. But now that they've done so, they are going to be as supportive as they possibly can. They love their children regardless of their choices. Furthermore, it is true that God can work miraculously to bring about unexpectedly felicitous results from whatever choices we make.

Back to your case of your non-Catholic but "good Christian" boyfriend. It is sometimes said by some Catholics that God, if He so desires, could communicate all the graces available to Catholics through the Sacraments (in principle) to non-Catholics apart from the Sacraments. Certainly the fruit of the Holy Spirit's influence can be seen in the lives of many good Protestant Christians. There's not even anything stopping God from bringing salvation to a morally upright and truth-seeking atheist if He so willed. But I would stress that it would be playing Russian Roulette with your soul to bank on that possibility. First of all, God has clearly revealed the means by which He intends us to avail ourselves of His grace through His Church and her Sacraments. These are the ordinary and regular means of grace He has made available to us. Secondly, to consciously turn our backs on these means of grace that He has made them available in our lives is basically, as I see it, to give God the finger.